Bids for Connection
More thoughts on the role of social media in our lives
Connection is a basic human need. Real connection in which we are truly seen and loved as we are is the joy of life.
My ruminations about social media are not done; are not resolved. At one point this week, it occurred to me that many posts, perhaps even the vast majority of posts, are bids for connection. Bids for connection is a phrase that the relationship researchers at the Gottman Institute use to describe how we reach out within a relationship to make an emotional connection. We reach out from the basic human need to be truly seen, listened to, and cared for. Bids can be verbal or non-verbal, and they can be for attention, affection, help, or anything that you need from someone you’re in relationship with.
When I experience something beautiful, I want to share it. I post a picture or video on social media in a bid for connection. When I hear distressing news about someone I love, I might post that news as a different sort of bid for connection. Maybe I saw a meme that made me laugh, and I want you to laugh with me, so I share it. It might be something that really struck me and challenged my thinking, and I’d like to see if other people have the same reaction. All of these are bids for connection.
In real life, bids aren’t always communicated effectively and bids aren’t always received well either. In fact, some bids go unnoticed completely. Think of the child trying to tell their mom about their day while mom is busy getting dinner and trying to manage her own emotions at the end of a long day. While mom might be technically hearing the words of her child, she is distracted and not listening. That bid from the child doesn’t get responded to in the way the child had hoped. As I am writing this on my laptop seated at our dining table, Matt came in from the wood shop, plopped down next to me, and said “Do you want to see what I’ve been making?”. That is a bid for connection. I stopped typing, turned to look him in the eye, and listened to him describe the pieces that he had just made. He described his thought processes in design and talked about what he would be attempting in the future. I love these connections, AND I miss them all the time.
The weird thing about bidding for connection on social media is that you aren’t making a bid to a specific person or relationship. You are throwing out your bid, like throwing out a net in the ocean, not knowing who might be swimming by and get caught by your net. While it is a bid, can it serve the purpose of being truly seen when it isn’t directed at a specific person? With the way the algorithms and timing works, you have no control over who even receives this bid. This sounds like a recipe for heartbreak as your attempt to connect might actually catch no one. Not only have you scattered your bids to the winds, but the responses to that bid can be a huge let down. Even as people like, love, or laugh at your post, have you received real connection? Sometimes people take the time to write a response, but far more often you only get the press of a button. These connections are subconsciously disappointing because they aren’t what we are actually bidding for. Now that we make more and more bids in this way, we live lives of constant disappointment and disconnection, and we may not even really be aware of it. No wonder more and more people are reporting that they feel lonely. The way we seek connection isn’t actually providing connection.
My writing, despite my early intentions, evolved a bit into bids for connection, especially as I posted on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. I found myself increasingly disappointed in the number of people making comments, pushing the like button, or subscribing. I completely lost sight of my original “rule” of writing for myself. I do value each response, and do feel seen when you write back. Thank you. But, I am doing the internal work on not needing your responses in order to value my writing and my thinking behind it.
My heart really hurts for the young people who don’t know a world without social media. Who see their own bids for connection ignored as their parents are distracted by scrolling. I know middle- and high-school students who feel like they can’t sleep without their phone next to or under their pillow in fear that they might “miss something” online. This fear for them is felt in their body and the best way I can describe trying to take away their phones is taking a baby away from its mother. The loss is that keenly felt. At the same time they are technically connected 24-7 to their friends, they feel completely isolated and lonely because they are bidding for a connection that doesn’t meet the needs of being truly seen, listened to, and cared for. Inside our bodies and our minds, we know that the connection is superficial at best.
What can we do?
Make sure the majority of your bids are in-person and personal. Reach out to your friends and family individually. Send a picture of a special moment to your friends’ in-boxes with a personal message rather than an impersonal post.
Recognize that when you want to post something on social media, you are making a bid for connection. Recognize and then ask yourself if this will be the best way to make your bid.
Recognize that the responses to your bid might not fill your need. Look for ways to fill that need with in-person connection or personal communication.
Recognize when you read other people’s posts that they are making a bid for connection. If it is someone you are close to, instead of responding to their post, contact them in their DM’s, call them, or set up a coffee date.
Do you have any more ideas on how we can utilize the positives of social media without falling into its traps? Any more ideas on how we can connect with people on a more personal level? Any fresh takes on how we can reverse the trend of loneliness in our society?
I appreciated part 2 more than part 1 because it seems more honest. Yes, we are bidding for connection when we post on social media (or blog or text or email). And yes, it is often disappointing. However, there is no shame in it, as connection is a sincere human need and something we all deserve to have fulfilled, the same as food, water, shelter...
As an adult who lived before and now during the social media years, I have had to learn the lessons you talk about. And I am responsible to realize the limitations of the platforms if I choose to participate, self-limit (time and apps) maximize the benefits (birthday reminders, professional connections), continue to pursue "old-fashioned" avenues of connection. I feel for and worry very much for young people who don't have the points of comparison we have and who don't realize life was just as filled with joy (and disappointment) and friendship (and insecurity) and meaning....before cell phones.
The biggest pitfall, in my mind, is the learned and habituated distractedness from constantly checking our phones. This surely is having a negative impact on our ability to focus, to learn, to be creative, to have a satisfying inner life, to be respectfully present for others ....
Will future generations be wiser than us, will they raise children without social media, ban or limit this technology for everyone? Will there be a post-social media era as psychologists research and publish alarming studies? Or will it get worse before it gets better with advancements in VR and AI and other inventions that distract from human-to-human connection?
Very thoughtful points and questions. I have struggled with online bids for connection for quite a while now. I’m tired of the “always on and available,” “24/7 connection” that comes with social media, but I also struggle with bidding my friends for connection via text and having to resign myself to the probability that I may not hear back. Phone calls are nice, but seemingly few people in my generation (and even fewer in younger ones) are actually comfortable with phone calls. Additionally, because I’ve moved around so often (and unfortunately continue to), the vast majority of my friends are not available for in-person connection. So I continue to text, sometimes call a friend or two, and lurk on Instagram occasionally—both connected and disconnected, and feeling it.
It’s an absurd world we live in. If “F.R.I.E.N.D.S.”-like friend groups were ever actually a thing, seems like they’re long-gone now. Thanks for sharing your ponderings and allowing us to connect from a distance.