When I chose the theme for May (May I be absurd?), I had been accessing my silly side and wanting to focus on things that make me laugh or noticing funny perspectives on circumstances. The month of May, however, had other plans…. May was a really, really rough month for me. Just when I thought not one more stressor could be added, more was added. In addition, the circumstances triggered some really hard memories and traumas from my childhood that I’m struggling to manage. Yet, I did not abandon my theme.
Life has been synchronically trying to teach me that life isn’t binary. I know I’ve written about this before, and I’m still learning to accept it. I can hold deep sorrow and grief, and also hold joy and silliness at the same time. I can go from one moment where I feel like my entire world is crashing in on me, and the next minute laugh at some innuendo the soccer match announcer said.
I think one thing that makes it difficult for me to practice holding the sorrow and the joy at the same time is people’s expectations around grief. I recognize that it isn’t easy to be around someone struggling with loss, unless you set intentions and practice them. I’ve found that most people want you to “get through” your hard time so that everything can go back to “normal.” They wait on bated breath for a sign that you have moved past your sorrow so that interactions will be easier and more comfortable for them again. I react by doubling down on my grief, not wanting to give it up. I think the reason for this is that if I laugh or joke around, then people think “ah, she’s not sad anymore” and the expectation I hear is that they now want me to now hide my sadness. The truth is that I haven’t stopped being sad, I just also found something funny. The truth is that I haven’t stopped grieving, I just also saw something that brought me joy. I don’t want anyone to think that just because I’ve laughed or smiled, that I’ve stopped hurting.
In my inner world, I can hold sorrow and joy, grief and delight, all at the same time. I have a few safe space people that welcome it all and I am so grateful for them.
Life keeps bringing me back to this:
LIFE.IS.NOT.BINARY
Instead of either or, all of the parts of me are welcome at the table, and they all get the time from me that they need.
My June North Star is “All the parts”. The kaleidoscope with all of its colors and all of its pieces creating beautiful patterns. For June, I will welcome my sorrow and my laughter. I don’t have to have one or the other, I can have both at the same time. When I contemplate this, I think of water flowing over my hands. I won’t try to capture it, I will let it flow. Whatever comes, comes.
Mantra:
You hold all of the things, all of the time. Loosen your grip and let the current, let the waves wash over you.
Sorrow, joy
Grief, delight
Wish, wash Song:
P.S. Life update: June is not getting better. Life keeps sucker punching me about every other week. Yay, me!
Thank you for sharing. I’m here for the silly and the hard. ❤️
I was trying to think what to comment (comments are so much harder than listening in real time). There's so much here to lean in to. What came was the wave metaphor, (wish, wash gahhhh brilliant) and the difference when being pummeled by wave after wave of flailing and struggling vs releasing all tension and effort and letting the wave tumble and roll you. Without the resistance, you get to experience the cycle of ups and the downs. And you're ready to take a breath when the lulls come. Look at the wisdom in this post--you've got this, you're finding the path through step by step. All you have to do is this moment. Love you. Text me anytime.